


Difficulties

by corset



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-06 02:13:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5399024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corset/pseuds/corset
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something's always been wrong in a certain Agreste's life, and with the help of a little bug it might be getting a little bit easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**i.**

It’s never felt particularly right, just being. Adrien has spent years trying to figure it out, why everything is just so wrong. 

As a child, he always assumed it was his life as an Agreste. The schedules full of photoshoots and debutant events, the money he earned but was never allowed to spend, the way the large and empty mansion asphyxiated him. The way his father looked at him. What a specific look it was - calculating his very conditional love. 

Gabriel Agreste is a man of perfection. Adrien knows this, and he knows that one mistake could cost him dearly - being Adrien Agreste means being a model son - figuratively and literally. It means hiding friendships, it means spending countless nights studying to prove that going to public school isn’t a bad thing, it means being very careful about not only every word but every action his father might learn about.

It’s wrong. Adrien yearns for the life some of his classmates seem to have - one where their parents are around, involved but not overbearing in their children’s life, but there. Parents who will be there for support over a less-than-ideal test grade, parents who will take their kids shopping, parents who actually make discussion at family dinners. 

It doesn’t even have to be the typical two-parent household, he thinks. Maybe if his dad cared just a little bit more, he’d be happier.

He’s spent years convincing himself that this is the only reason anything is wrong; it’s just his family situation. Yet, he knows that’s not quite it. There’s something else wrong with just being, something much personal to him. Something about himself, something that has nothing to do with the way his father treats him.

He has a word for this something, he knows exactly what it is. He’d figured it out one night after hours of researching blogs and forums on the internet. But he doesn’t want to admit it, no, not yet. It’s consuming him inside. He knows he needs to stop lying to himself, that he can’t fight it off much longer. Still, he’ll pretend that his existence is right and normal as long as he can - he’s scared, terrified, frightened. Worried about the consequences.

**ii.**

“Something’s wrong.” 

Ladybug sits atop a roof, enjoying the starry Parisian night sky. There is a cool breeze that whispers by the two of them - her and Cat Noir. She gives him a pointed look, and he doesn’t answer her.

There was no akuma attack tonight; and it almost always feels a little silly to patrol. They’d know about an akuma attack within minutes if one occurred; patrol is really more of an excuse to spend time together.

Cat is one of her best friends, even though she constantly rejects his advances. It’s nice for the pair to have just a few moments together without worrying about the citizens of Paris - for it’s never more than a few minutes of rest after they flit from rooftop to rooftop. Ladybug is never one for more than banter, the fear of Cat knowing her real identity is too much. She’s worried she’ll make small talk, let something slip, and then he’ll know. 

They’re friends, but isn’t that why she needs them to keep their secret? So that they can stay safe, just in case. If they ever win this battle that’ll never end, she’ll tell him. She swears it.

But tonight’s different, tonight Cat’s been weak with the banter and slacking with the puns. He may have continued with his signature smirk, but Ladybug is perceptive. She can tell that something is wrong, that something has gotten her friend down.

“Something’s wrong,” she repeats.”You don’t have to tell me, but I’ll listen if you’d like.”

**iii.**

Being Cat was usually so freeing, so fun. Adrien enjoyed the lack of structure, the freedom to leap between rooftops and watch the people of Paris from above. (And of course, there was the wonderful bonus of doing it alongside Ladybug, who was filled with the kind of energy, sassiness, and kindness you only saw once in a lifetime.)

Tonight, though, it wasn’t the same. He’d woken up with that same instinctual feeling of wrongness that plagued him for years, the same feeling he dealt with every day. In the past, it’d felt like a low whisper that’d come and go as it pleased, but lately it felt like a roaring in the back of his mind that refused to leave until he acknowledged it. Until he told someone. 

He had, in fact, told Plagg after the little brat could tell something was bugging him. Plagg had just laughed - _“I don’t know why you humans get so riled up about things like that. It doesn’t really matter, you know.”_

 _“It matters to me. Besides, aren’t you basically a god? You wouldn’t understand.”_ He’d replied with a sigh before getting ready for the day. 

Cat thought that he’d managed to hide what was bothering him throughout patrol - but it seems his lady knew him better than he’d given him credit for. 

“Ah, I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” He joked.

“If it’s that much of a secret, I’m not going to press,” She said with a small chuckle, before placing her hand on top of his and looking up at him with an intense stare that pierces him to the depths of his soul. “But I’m here for you, Cat.”

He blinks for a moment, taken aback by the physical affection, and by how in an instant she’s managed to make him love her even more with a single look. “I-” He says, gazing at her, wondering what course of action to take. He doesn’t want there to be any secrets or barriers between them - at least on his end, he understands Ladybug’s own wish for privacy - but he’s concerned, too. What if this is too much, what if it’s enough to break apart the duo? “I want to tell you. However, I’m afraid it’ll make you hate me, my lady.”

She laughs. “Nothing could make me hate you, silly kitty. Unless you were the one creating all these akuma, but we both know that’s not the case.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“Of course I do!”

She’s giving him a look of such sincerity that he’s never seen from her before - a look that says nothing could ever change my respect for you, a look that says I love you even if it’s not in the way you want me to, a look that says you are safe with me. He trusts that look, and so he decides to tell her, against the better judgement screaming inside him tell him not to. The screaming that says don’t do this, nobody could ever like you like this, you are wrong.

The confidence he always exudes behind the mask is gone, he feels raw and exposed. His mouth is dry, the words are difficult to say - but eventually, after an eternity, they spill out. 

“I’m,” Deep breath. “A… I’m a woman. I mean I was designated a male at birth but it’s never felt right, and I’ve only started being honest with my- _oomph.!”_

She’s cut off by a large hug. 

“You’re still a silly kitty to me,” Ladybug says. “I don’t care what gender you are, Cat. You’ll always be important to me.” 

It’s the nicest thing Cat’s ever heard. She backs up slightly from the hug - enough to see Ladybug’s smile - and holds onto her hands with the biggest, truest grin. It’s good to admit the truth, it’s good to feel like something’s right, it’s good to know that her lady is behind her. It’s just the beginning of a long process - but for Cat Noire, it’s the happiest she’s felt in a long time, and that’s more than enough for now. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to thank you all for the positive responses to this fic; it really means a lot to me! i was so nervous about posting it and i am absolutely enthralled by the positivity. i wasn't sure if i should continue it at all, and if i did, as a series or as a multi-chapter fic, and i've settled on multi-chapter - a huge fanfic first for me! i hope you will continue enjoying it and thank you all for all the kudos & comments. :)

**iv.**

“I made this for you.” Ladybug says, holding out a small, black hairbow. “I thought maybe it could help you feel more feminine if you wanted, you could put it by one of your ears and it’d be hardly noticeable but it’d still be something...”

She looks down slightly, a little bit nervous about her gift. She’s not entirely sure if it’s appropriate, but she wants Cat to know that she supports her. She assumes Cat can’t be herself in her daily life - just judging by how nervous she was when she’d first told Ladybug about being a transgirl. She thinks that if she were in a similar situation, just having a little something feminine would make her feel a little bit better when she’s forced to masquerade as something else.

Cat grins. Ladybug is truly something special - she’s been kind and supportive, and has treated Cat no differently since everything happened. The banter is the same, the way Ladybug rolls her eyes after each pun is the same, the way they fight akumas in flawless synchronization is the same. All that’s really changed is Cat being honest with herself, and the way Ladybug somehow manages to pronounce the silent in ‘e’ in the feminine Noire. lt’s all Cat could have ever hoped for and more. 

Cat feels herself falling deeper into her feelings towards her partner, because this little bow? It’s amazing. She’s never had something so distinctly gendered before, something considered so girly. And the attempts to make it discreet so that not everyone has to know, not right now - oh, Cat always feels like she could kiss Ladybug, but she especially feels that she could in this moment.

“It’s perfect, my lady. Besides, how could I refuse a hand-made gift from you? It’s like a dream! Would you do me the honor of putting it on?” She asks, batting her eyelashes. 

“Of course, silly kitty. But don’t let this give you any ideas!” Ladybug teases, clipping the bow on a small section of Cat’s messy hair, right in front of her left cat ear.

Cat hears her ring signaling that it’s time to go. She mouths a silent ‘thank you’ and blows a kiss to Ladybug before she turns on her heel and darts off into the black night.

**v.**

Nino notices the bow a few weeks later. Adrienne keeps it in her backpack, tucked away in a hidden corner. When she’s tired of the “Mr. Agrestes” and the “Hey, mans” and the murmurs of “He’s so handsome!” that follow her wherever she goes, the tiny comments that make her wish she could just peel her skin off and step out in the world as herself, she reaches for the bow.

Knowing that it’s there, knowing that the most important person in her life validates her, knowing that she’ll be able to slip out into the mask soon and put it on - it soothes her. It’s not a fix, and it can only make her feel right for a few moments before she feels deeply unsettled with the knowledge that can’t just wear it in public. It’s followed by a wave of sadness over how she can’t grow her hair out, how she’s never going to be able to wear breastforms as long as she lives with her father, and so many other things that are just uncomfortable and wrong with _being_.

The bow was a comfort, but Nino saw it when he went to borrow a book from her bag; Adrienne feels like her heart’s going to explode with fear when Nino pulls her aside at lunch.

“Hey man, what is this about? Is it a present for a special someone?” He asks with an eyebrow waggle.

Adrienne isn’t sure what to say - she could lie, easily. Nino’s given her the perfect opportunity. Yeah, sure. She could pretend that it’s for a crush, but then she’d have to make up a crush and that could get complicated. She could tell Nino the truth, but it could ruin their friendship. 

She makes her decision in a split second after memories of Nino defending her come to her - no turning back now! - before glancing around them to make sure nobody’s listening (especially Chloe or Sabrina - that would be a disaster!) and swallows. 

“It’s mine.” She says with a small whisper.

“What?”

“It’s mine - I, um. I’m transgender. I’m a girl - I just can’t really be open about it, with my dad and all. He’d freak. The bow, it makes me feel a little more comfortable...”

“Well I can’t say I saw that one coming.” Nino says after the initial surprise sets in. He’s not quite sure how to take it at first - he has no issue with people who are trans. He’s a firm believer in doing what makes you happy as long as nobody gets hurt. He’s just annoyed with himself. Adrien (Adrienne?) is his best friend - how hadn’t he noticed that something was wrong? Had he just chalked it up to Adrienne’s home life, or the way she had trouble fitting in with the class after being homeschooled for so long? What kind of a best friend did this make him?

“But hey dude - or do you want me to call you dudette? But that sounds kind of weird, and I call everyone dude…” He continues, slinging his arm over his friend’s shoulder. “Anyway, we’re still buds! Let me know what I can do to help or if I mess up, ‘cause, you know. This is new for me.”

She laughs. “I know, Nino. Dude is fine. Maybe just try not to call me ‘man’ anymore, okay? And don’t, you know, tell anyone. Not yet.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone with your permission. I know how some people can be. Now let’s go eat lunch!”

**vi.**

Lunch is spent with Nino suggesting people in their class that should know (if not now, at least eventually, because he wants his friend to have the largest support network possible, he can’t imagine how tough it must be to keep such a thing to oneself) - he prides himself on knowing each of his classmates a little bit, and he’s got an idea of who would be accepting and who wouldn’t. Chloe and Sabrina are an automatic no, as Chloe knowing is a one-way street to everyone, including Mr. Ageste, knowing. 

Alix, Kim, Ivan, Mylene, Nathanael, and Max are all maybes. Some of them are too introverted and quiet in class to really tell, some of them are kind-hearted but have the potential to say things they’ll regret when angry, some of them are just wildcards in general.

Nino puts Juleka and Rose as a yes, because he can’t see Rose ever saying anything bad about anyone, and he’s fairly certain that Juleka is agender and would understand. Adrienne puts them as a no, because as kind as they are, he doesn’t feel like he knows them well enough. So Nino doesn’t push.

He does, however, insist that Alya is a good person to tell - because despite her journalistic nature, she knows how to keep a secret. She also knows how to stand up for what she believes in. Adrienne doesn’t think she knows Alya that well - but she does hang out with her and Nino at lunch quite often, and they all went to the movies with Marinette that one time. 

“Wait - what about Marinette?” She asks, realizing she’s the only classmate Nino hasn’t mentioned it.

“What about her? She and Alya are like, a package deal.”

“I hardly know her.” It’s not that she doesn’t want to, it’s just that Marinette seems to be so intimidated by her - which Adrienne doesn’t understand. 

“She’s a good person, and like Alya, can keep a secret and stand up when she believes in something. You heard her class president speech.”

Adrienne doesn’t disagree, and after some thought decides that she’s fine with Nino telling Alya, and Alya telling Marinette. But that’s it. (Nino says it’s better if Adrienne tells them; Adrienne counters that coming out is frustrating and difficult, that she’d rather hear about the reactions than see them first hand, because her heart can’t handle the stress.)

**vii.**

“She’s still dreamy, and kind, and cool, and perfect...” Marinette says wistfully, thinking about Adrienne and the news Alya just told her. It’s been a day since Nino found out, and just a few minutes since Alya learned. They’re sitting in the classroom alone, enjoying their lunch. At first Marinette was concerned because she wasn’t sure if she was allowed to know (why was she one of the few in the loop? Adrienne hardly talked to her), but Alya assured her it was fine. 

Suddenly, Marinette jolts up and looks at her best friend with a horror-filled expression.  
“Oh no! Alyaaaa! Do you think I’d still have a chance? I’ve always assumed she’s into girls, because I thought she was straight when I thought she was a boy, but what if she’s actually straight so she’s not into girls at all? This would ruin everything… Alya, I need to know! Alyaaaa!” She says, trying not stumble over her words. She slinks back into her seat after her outburst and lets out a small groan.

Alya knew that her best friend would be accepting, just like she was, but she wasn’t sure exactly how Marinette would take the news. She suspected that Marinette might be a little bit sad about it, but after the outburst, Alya laughs - wondering how she could have expected any other response from her best friend. 

“Girl, girl, girl. you’ve got it so bad. What’re we going to do with you?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay in posting! i just got done with my finals week at school, so updates ahould be a little more frequent. a big thanks to everyone for all the support & especially JMarieAllenPoe, because i definitely used one of your ideas in this chapter.

**viii.**

_Does she hate me?_

Adrienne is convinced that Marinette - who seems so sweet and shy, yet oddly confident at times - did not take the news well. She is filled with a sense of certainty about it like none other, almost as certain as she is that the sky is as blue as her Lady’s eyes, as certain as she is that there’s never going to be any feeling like darting across paris as Cat Noire, as certain as she is that she is all life is precious. Marinette hates her, maybe she always has, but _especially_ now that she knows. 

Nino and Alya attempt to show her otherwise, but really, what other explanation could there be?

Why does she always turn red like a beet, why does she always stutter and run away whenever Adrienne approaches her? Surely it must be a sign that Marinette is disgusted, that she wants nothing to do with her. If anything, she seems more on edge than she did before she knew. Adrienne wants to believe there is another reason, but she can’t think of one. Marinette Dupain-Cheng hates her, there’s no other plausible explanation. 

Adrienne sighs to herself - she knew it, she knew that telling more people was a bad idea. She shouldn’t have let Nino side her in this decision. She’s only just beginning to get comfortable with herself, just beginning to learn what other transgirls do to feel like themselves, just beginning to learn terms like _dysphoria_ and how to deal with the crushing knowledge that just being in her own skin makes her want to cry, just beginning to form a support network, just beginning the long and tumultuous journey that is the rest of her life.

She’s not ready for someone to hate her. She’s not ready to be open with folks who won’t understand, folks who will think she’s disgusting, folks who will try to convince her that it’s just a phase. Marinette hasn’t outright said anything like this - she’s far too nice for that - but Adrienne is sure that the class president isn’t on her side.

“She hates me, Plagg.” She says aloud, laying on her bed and facing the ceiling. 

“Who cares?”

“I do.”

“I don’t understand why you humans are so obsessed with gender.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Adrienne groans. “Not all of us can solve our problems with cheese, okay?”

She turns over, buries herself in her pillows, and tries to fall into a sleep that never comes. ( _She hates me, she hates me, she hates me. I knew someone would but it’s just too soon. How do I deal with this?_ )

**ix.**

The coincidence is not lost on Marinette, that the two boys most important to her are not actually boys at all. It’s almost a little eerie, but she convinces herself that it’s just a coincidence. It’s surprising that she learned about the two so close to one another, yes, but it’s just a coincidence and nothing more. (Just like their shaggy blonde hair, their uncannily similar smiles, the forest green of their irises. Just like her suspicion that they might be the same size. Coincidence.)

Still, she’ll do whatever it takes to help either of them.

She’d given Cat the bow - still dutifully placed by her ear, something she never failed to notice each and every night - but has yet to give anything to Adrienne. This, she decided, needs to be fixed - she can’t simply give one of her trans friends a gift, and not the other. Were her and Adrienne even friends? Marinette’s never quite too sure what her encounters with Adrienne are, but she likes to think that they could, at the very least, be friends.

She does research online to see what might be a good gift - the best possible gift, even. Eventually she decides on a tank top with padding in all the right places. She really hopes that it is suitable; she doesn’t know too much about these things as she herself is quite comfortable in her own gender identity. _Cisgender_ , she learns, is the word. It tastes funny and unusual on her tongue at first, as she’s never heard it before. It makes her sad for a moment - why exactly hasn’t she heard it before? Shouldn’t this be common knowledge to everyone?

She signs, bringing her mind back to the gift. She wants it to be a surprise, but doesn’t quite know how it’ll work. How can she go about getting Adrienne’s measurements without being obvious? Without being a stuttering mess? She’s already tried finding them online, to no avail.

After a quick flop on her bed and a gentle look from Tikki later, an answer reaches her.

Operation Surprise Adrienne is put into action that night.

“Cat,” she asks shortly after patrol. “This is an odd request, but can I take your measurements?”

“Of course, anything for you.” She says, smirking and placing a quick kiss on Ladybug’s hand before the other pulls away. “But why?”

“It’s a surprise, silly kitty. But not for you, I’m afraid. I know some else who’s a transgirl, and I think the two of you have similar measurements.”

Ladybug questions for a moment if she should offer to make the same thing for Cat - she does feel a little guilty for it, but she thinks she’s revealed too much of herself just by even asking as it is. She’s implied she’s a designer, which is more than she’d ever planned to reveal about her personal life. Making the same gift for both Cat and Adrienne could be messy. 

“She’s lucky to have you as a friend.” Cat says with a bit of a pout, wondering who this other person might be. She’s a bit jealous that this friend is getting a surprise from her lady, but also curious. If she could ever meet her, it’d be nice not to feel so utterly alone in this. 

“Oh, she’s not really my friend...” Ladybug says, looking at her feet with a sad and yearning smile as she thinks about her hopeless crush. “I think she barely knows I’m alive. But I think she still deserves support, so I’m making her a gift.”

She’s silent after that, realizing exactly how much she’s said in such a short time. She pulls out measuring tape from her pouch; she quickly takes the measurements she needs. Afterwards, she gives Cat a playful smile as she aims her yo-yo at the nearest building and glides away, back to her home to be greeted by the ever-lingering smell of pastries and the sight of homework she needs to do.

**x.**

It’s been over a week since Operation Surprise Adrien has been put into action. A prototype and countless needle-pricks in her thumbs later, Marinette’s finally finished the final version. She can’t try it on herself, but she’s measured it to fit Cat’s size and double-checked about a thousand times. If Cat and Adrien really are as close in measurement as she suspects, then it should fit almost perfectly.

“Alya, I can’t do this.” She sighs to her best friend as she holds the neatly wrapped present in her hands (she’s ashamed to admit she spent just about as much time wrapping it as she had planning the design.)

“You’ve got this!” Alya assures her.

“Can’t you just give it to her for me?”

“And what would be the purpose in that? It’s a gift from the heart, you’ve got to give it to her yourself! Otherwise it won’t mean as much.” Alya chides, pointing a finger towards Marinette’s heart to emphasize her point. 

Marinette knows that Alya’s right - best friends have a funny way of being like that - and sighs. Alya gives her a reassuring squeeze as she resolves that she’ll give Adrienne the present as soon as possible. 

“Oh look, there she is! Now’s your chance!” Alya cheers, pointing. Adrienne and Nino walk past them; Nino stops to wave at the two. Adrienne turns away - she’s sure that she won’t be able to hide her overwhelming anxiety if she looks at Marinette. 

Marinette uses the chance to run over, her pigtails bobbing behind her, and practically shoves the box in Adrienne’s hands. Adrienne, who isn’t even looking at her. She blushes. “I-I- u-umm…A… Adrienne! thisisforyou! Ihopeyoulikeit!” She stammers, bows her head, and runs back to Alya in order to hide behind her before she embarasses herself any further. Her heart doesn’t stop racing.

Adrienne’s mouth forms a soft ‘o’ in confusion - _Doesn’t she hate me? What is this?_ \- but before she can make any sound, Marinette has jolted off and is well out of earshot. Adrienne shrugs at Nino and continues to walk to class, gift in hand. She’s not quite sure how to react; but she plans to open it open it later - she managed to notice the subtle way Marinette said _Adrienne_ in her overflowing fountain of words, giving her the impression that this wasn’t something to be opened while she was pretending to be Adrien. 

**xi.**

At lunch time, Adrienne sneaks into the one gender-neutral bathroom on campus. Ever since she told Nino, she has found it impossible to even step into the boy’s bathroom. It’d always been difficult and almost traumatizing at times, even though she’d always use the stalls for privacy. She thought she could still make it through the heavy, invisible, and uncomfortable weight that sat in her chest and heart, that reverberated through her body every time she entered the wrong restroom. Now that a few people know the truth, she can’t do it at all anymore.

She brings the gift with her. She still doesn’t fully understand it - didn’t Marinette think she was disgusting? 

She thinks for a moment that it might be a prank gift, but reminds herself that Marinette is too kind to do a thing like that. She barely knew Marinette, but she knew her classmate didn’t have a mean bone in her entire body. (That made it so much worse whenever Adrienne thought of how much Marinette must hate her. If someone that generous and good hates her, what hope did she have for the future?)

Shaking the negative thoughts out of her head, she unwraps the present and is more than pleasantly surprised with the garment folded neatly in the gift box. She’s not quite sure what it is at first, it just looks like a tank top to her. There’s a little note with it that reads _You deserve all the support in the world. I hope this makes you feel more comfortable._. 

She slips off her shirt and tries it on. It fits amazingly, as though it had been tailored with care specifically for her. It feels… comfortable, right, different from a normal tank top. When she looks in the small over-the-sink mirror she can see why: it has padding where her breasts would be, had she any.

It’s not a lot, and it’s not particularly visible, but it gives her the illusion that something is there.That something that should have always been there, is there. She smiles - it’s so very _lovely_ , and it makes her feel more at peace with herself than even the bow Ladybug gifted her all those weeks ago.

“See?” Plagg piped up from his hiding spot. “She doesn’t hate you.”

“If you tell me I told you so, I’m not giving you any camembert for a week.”

Adrienne carefully removes the garment - all the while wondering if Marinette had bought it or if she had made it, because the stitching is flawless. She remembers Marinette saying something once about stitching her name into her work, and hunts to see if she can find one. She does, and it brings a smile to her lips that lights up her whole face. She enjoys it for a few minutes - admiring the shape, and how she wishes she could feel like this all the time. Eventually, she takes it off and goes back to her normal, sad clothes, and returns to lunch.

Later in class, she turns to Marinette and mouths a soft ‘thank you’ - to which the designer turns uncomfortably pink and hides beneath her hands.

 _I can see she doesn’t hate me. But why is she different around me?_ Adrienne asks herself. She can’t ponder it, though - for now, she’s got a class to attend to and a certain heroine she’s daydreaming about.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: transphobia!

**xii.**

“That’s my cue to leave.” Ladybug notes as the final spot on her earring flashes. “But you should consider what I said, Cat.”

“I’d consider anything for you - but you already know that, my lady.” Cat says with a wink, before heading off in the opposite direction.

She means it, she really does - although what Ladybug had suggested was a lot. _Maybe you should consider being open with the world_ , she’d said between blows to the akuma. _Do an interview, even. You don’t have to, but I know a lot of trans youth would be happy to know that one of Paris’s most well-known heroes is just like them._ ”

It rings in her ears; she thinks about it throughout the battle, she thinks about it long after. It’s not a terrible idea - the thought of being a role model or an inspiration to other trans kids… she likes that, a lot. She also thinks of the kids who need someone to look up to in their life, the kids who could become akuma or perhaps worse. The preventable and dreadful tragedies faced by kids in situations exactly like hers.

But is she ready? She’s only been out to Ladybug for about two months now, and Nino, Alya and Marinette for about six weeks. It’s getting easier, but pretending gets more and more difficult each day.

If she comes out as Cat Noire - how much longer would she be able to keep up the lie that is Adrien Agreste? If she knows what it’s like to fully admit it to all of Paris, will she be able to go back to a life that is filled with fake smiles and pretending all the hes and all the hims directed towards her don’t hurt? 

She doesn’t think she can, and that’s what scares her - not being able to go back.

**xiii.**

A week passes with no patrol, no akumas. It’s oddly quiet, oddly dull in the city of lights.

Cat sits on the roof of some cafe and stars up at the stars; today she’s decided to be adventurous. Over her suit, she’s wearing the tank top from Marinette and over that a black day dress she’d borrowed from her father’s vast collection of designs. It was so, so risky.He could notice it was missing, he could notice and he might pin it on Adrienne; or worse, he might pin it on an innocent staff member and fire them… it was risky, but it felt freeing.

“Miss me?” a voice asks, distracting her from her thoughts. Ladybug’s been on patrol for a while, hoping she might run into her feline-like friend today. Even though she didn’t reciprocate the affections that Cat gave, she couldn’t help but miss her. They were friends - friends with an interesting dynamic, but friends. “That outfit looks lovely, by the way.”

“A compliment from my lady? I must be dreaming.” Cat swoons, pretending to fall and “Of course I missed you. But as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“Shush.”

“Did I mention you have such purr-fect timing? I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said.”

“Oh?” Ladybug asks curiously, rolling her eyes at the pun. 

“I think it’d be difficult-”

“You really don’t have to, I didn’t mean to pressure you.” She feels quite guilty about the suggestion in the first place - she’ll never have any idea what it’s like to feel distinctly wrong in the gender she was assigned, she is happy with who she is, she is happy being a girl. It must be so much more difficult than she imagines. She’s in no place to push.

“You didn’t let me finish, my lady. I think it’d be difficult for me, but worth it. I think you’re right - I want other trans kids to know that there are people like them.” She knew that if she had someone out there - perhaps it would have been easier to come to terms with herself. She didn’t, but if she had the opportunity to help some citizens of Paris like that, how could she refuse? Her main job was helping Ladybug with the akuma, but it didn’t mean she couldn’t help Parisians in other ways. And isn’t being Cat, oddly, her chance to be free? She feels so much more _herself_ under the mask than she could ever hope to be without it, why shouldn’t the whole world know who she really is?

“If that’s what you’re comfortable with.” Ladybug says with an excited smile. “I happen to know the reporter behind the Ladyblog if you ever feel up for an interview.”

**xiv.**

“I think it’s _disgusting!_ Ugh!” Chloe screams loudly as she enters the classroom, making sure that all eyes are on her as she enters the classroom. “I can’t believe that that _thing_ is out there saving Paris! Who let this happen!?”

“Yeah, it’s so gross.” Sabrina eagerly nodded. She didn’t actually have a strong opinion on the news, but she didn’t want to fall out of favor with her supposed best friend. 

Adrienne feels her gut clench with rage at Chloe’s words, she knows exactly what the class snob is referring to. The night before, Alya had posted her full behind-the-scenes interview with Cat Noire, transgirl and heroine. Now, it’s all over the newspapers and all over the televisions; it’s all Paris can talk about.

She’s incredibly uncomfortable with the attention - it was nothing like the attention from being a model - but she hopes it makes a difference in someone’s life, somewhere. The attacks she’d seen and heard on her character, her being, herself since the video went live are almost unbearable. Knowing that some people responded more positively, that Ladybug was behind her, that she may have affected someone’s life were reminders of the good in the world.

“Paris needs a _real_ man to be a hero. Someone like Adrien, hmm?” Chloe asks, leaning uncomfortably close to Adrienne, trying plant a kiss on her cheek. Her skin prickles with agonizing discomfort, her whole body silently screaming.

“That’s enough, Chloe.” She says, pushing Chloe off of her. She feels her throat dry up and heart about to leap out of her chest in terror; but she manages to get out everything she wants to say without faltering. “I know you’re not the nicest person around, but making fun of someone because of their gender isn’t cool. Cat Noire is still a person.”

“B-but! It’s so gross!” Chloe whines.

“I don’t think it is. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to prepare for class. The teacher will be here soon.” She says with a huge sigh. Defending herself like that, without actually giving herself away… it was a new level of difficult, even harder than facing an akuma. She and Chloe had known each other for years, and she’d tried countless times to remember the good in her from all those years ago… but now she knew, they never really had a chance at staying friends. This was a whole new level of not being a good a person.

Chloe huffs to herself, but brushes it off. Even though her seemingly perfectly Adrien didn’t agree with her, she just had to revise her plan to make him fall in love with her - she was determined, and despite all the hiccups she’s had throughout the year, she has no notions of giving up.

Nino gave Adrienne a proud nudge, and the rest of the class murmured among themselves about the scene. 

_“I don’t understand the whole trans thing, but Chloe was way out of line”_

_“Jeez, when you thought she couldn’t get any worse….”_

_“I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, without Cat Noire and Ladybug, I don’t know if we’d have Paris anymore.”_

A few minutes later, she smiles at a note that flutters onto her desk. _That was amazing! -Marinette_ (Meanwhile, unnoticed to Adrienne, Alya gives her best friend a big hug for actually remembering to sign her note for once; she was so proud!)

The realizations hits her - one side of Adrienne her is completely out now. While it isn’t easy at all (she felt herself shaking throughout the whole interview and for hours afterwards), it isn’t so terrible. She has a feeling that many of the comments she’d heard were only so positive _because_ Cat Noire was such a public figure, a hero, known by all the denizens of Paris. Cat Noire is someone the people rely on. She knows that Adrienne - also a public figure, but in an industry where folks can fall out of favor overnight - wouldn’t have such such luck. She pushes the thought aside as a concern for another day.

Another day that came a lot sooner than Adrienne would have liked.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um, wow! thank you all for the support - this fic now has _100 kudos._ that's amazing. ( & anyone who follows me on tumblr probably saw me get a bit teary-eyed over it! oops.)
> 
> anyway - it's almost the holidays, so this is my shout-out to all the trans folk who have to hide their identities to stay safe, the trans folk who have deal with bigoted families, the trans folk who don't have any family to spend the holidays with. you are important and your family does not define you! 
> 
> lastly. this chapter was pretty rough to write, so this is your content warning for transphobia, casual ableist language & gabriel being awful.

content warnings for this chapter: transphobia, casual ableist language, mild violence

**xv.**

It’s the risks she takes that cause everything to crumple in around her.

**xvi.**

Risk #1 is standing up for Cat, her other side, in class.

“ _Adrien, I know you have opinions. But your father has given me orders to instruct you never to do something like that again. You are an Agreste, and you should not be so… public with your opinions on these matters._ ”

“ _It’s not my fault that Chloe was being so rude!_ ” 

“ _I know. But the Bourgeois family is an important one to maintain a positive relationship with. If you do something like this again, your father will surely see that there are consequences._ ”

“ _Understood._ ”

Nathalie gives Adrienne a look of ‘I’m so sorry, but you know this is my job’ and leaves without another word, closing the door behind her.

Adrienne lets the tears on the edge of her lids fall down, rolling warm and silent down her cheeks. She wants to scream, to fight back - but this isn’t the battle to fight, not now, not yet.

**xvii.**

Risk #2 is the online browsing.

She is careful, meticulous in clearing her browsing history each night.

She looks at site after site, absorbing all the information she can find. Tips on how to safely tuck if that’s for you, kind and gentle reminders that not all transwomen are the same, articles about famous transwomen. The information is like gold in Adrienne’s eyes - precious, irreplaceable treasure. As much as she appreciates the support from Nino, Marinette, Alya and Ladybug - it’s not quite the same as reading stories from other transwomen, to know there are others like her, to reinforce that she is valid.

She also spends time browsing sites - looking at makeup and heels and wondering how she might look in them; wondering how well they’d suit her, if she’d feel comfortable in them - or if she’d rather stay as she is; lamenting the fact that she can’t even try because she’s sure her father would know of any penny spent.

“ _What is this?_ ” Her father hisses, on the verge of a rage. It’s one of the few days he’s home, and he thought he might surprise Adrien with dinner; only to enter unannounced find his child looking at breast forms online.

“ _I- I was looking at information for a friend._ ” A blatant lie.

“ _I don’t want you hanging out with them anymore. That’s an order._ ”

“ _Understood, sir._ ” She says dully in response, trying to ignore the blunt aching in her soul.

**xviii.**

Risk #3 is the wig.

The wig’s for another model at the photoshoot - she’s supposed to play the role of some relative or another, Adrienne never bothers to remember the ‘plots’ of the photoshoots she’s forced into - but she’d gotten there early and was so, so curious like the cat she is. She grabs at it on a whim and darts into the nearest bathroom.

It’s just supposed to be for a fleeting moment in private, just to see how it looks, just to know what it might be like. It’s just a wig, a long wig that matches her golden locks perfectly. She knows not all women have long hair, but she’s never had the chance to grow hers out - being a model meant keeping her hair at the perfect, messy boy-band length.

She places it slowly and carefully over her natural hair - it was too late to go back and grab a wigcap - and took a step back to look in the mirror.

She feels her breath leave her as she takes it in; the way it feels indescribable. She wishes her real hair was like this - long, silky, _beautiful_. She envisions herself in the future - happy, nobody holding her back, light and free like a fairy on a summer’s eve.

She doesn’t hear the door open, and in a whirlwind it’s snatched away. 

She doesn’t remember much - screaming, shouting, tears, a cancelled photoshoot, her father roughly ripping the wig off her - a few strands of her actual hair with it.

She feels stupid. So, so, so stupid. She didn’t have to try on the wig - she could have ignored the temptation, left the shoot unsatisfied. But no, the curiosity just _had_ to overwhelm her better judgement, and everything fell apart around her. 

**xix.**

“No son of mine is going to do anything like that ever again, do you understand me?”

“I’m not your son.” She says meekly, barely above a whisper. A daring statement - she knows it, she knows she shouldn’t have said it the moment the words roll off her tongue. But she’s already in deep trouble for the wig, and she’s sure her father’s figured it out - he’s a smart man. She’s not ready to admit out loud, not to him, but would she ever be? She’s surprised at herself for saying it - but she’s not sure how much longer she can keep up the lie with her own dad, someone who is _supposed_ kind and caring and protect her.

“Excuse me?” He asks. His voice is low, he’s not shouting - but Adrienne can hear the sheer disappointment in her father’s voice, the way he’s filled with rage but manages to keep his composure like a businessman. It’s so much worse than any amount of yelling could be.

“I’m not your son,” She says louder. She is trembling, she’s sure the floor is going to cave in beneath her. She wishes was behind her mask right now, she wishes she could just dart from rooftop to rooftop and feel the air swish past her. She wishes so much; but she knows she can’t escape the horrible reality in front of her. There’s no going back now, no hiding, no running. “I’m your daughter.”

Gabriel Agreste takes a long pause, as he takes the information in, planning his next words. They come out sharper than a knife and hit harder than an akuma. “You’re either my son, or nothing to me at all.”

“I understand, _sir_.” She spits out the last word with fire and pain.

“Good. Dinner is promptly at six. I expect you to be there, Adrien.”

**xx.**

That night, Gabriel Agreste eats dinner alone.

He feels no remorse.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's rather short & very late, i'm sorry!

**xxi.**

She packs up the few things that are actually important to her - her things for school, her laptop and phone, chargers, a few clothes, the gifts from Marinette and Ladybug. She has no problem fitting it all into a small suitcase;surprised by how little she actually owns. Perhaps it was a good thing, given the circumstances.

She doesn’t truly want to leave- she stared at the suitcase for hours, mind in a haze. Could she do this? Could she live with her father, under stricter regiments, stricter watch, stricter everything? Could she run away at the risk of having nowhere to go? Could she leave her life behind?

The six slow rings of a nearby clock tower prompts her decision, and she _runs_.

She’s _scared_ , but it feels like the right decision. (At least she hopes it is.)

**xxii.**

“Something’s wrong.”

She says it so clearly, so strongly, just like she had all those weeks ago. When Adrienne first came out. Why is it that her lady knows her so well, has such an uncanny ability to see through her? 

“I don’t want to bother you with my problems.” It’s not quite a lie. She does want Ladybug to know, but she doesn’t want that perfect heroine, the shining example of all that is right with the world to fret over her. She doesn’t deserve it.

She doesn’t want Ladybug to know that she was so, so scared. That she ran away. What sort of person, what sort of hero, runs away from their problems? She knows it was the right decision for her, but exposes herself to Ladybug again like that, she’s not sure she can handle it.

Before the spotted hero has a chance to tell Cat it wouldn’t be a bother, she bounds away to chase after the akuma of the week.

**xxiii.**

“You know that I’m here for you, you silly cat.” Ladybug says shortly after the fight, shifting so she’s next to Cat, leaning her head on her shoulder and holding her hand. Their transformations hadn’t worn off, they’d managed to face the akuma without using either of their special abilities. Ladybug is grateful, because it gives her a chance to continue the earlier conversation. Cat is conflicted, she’s still debating whether to tell her lady or not.

It’s a more intimate pose than Ladybug is used to - she never wants to give Cat the wrong idea. She does care for her partner, and maybe if she hadn’t given her heart away to someone else a long time ago she would’ve considered it. 

Cat takes comfort in the closeness. She sighs heavily, full of pain and insecurity. “Are you sure you want to know? It’s not really your problem.”

“Positive. If something’s bothering my partner, I want to know! But only if you’ll tell me, of course.”

There’s a long moment of silence as Ladybug looks at her with those eyes, those beautiful blue eyes expressing how much Ladybug cares, all the nice things she’d never tell Cat to her face, all the determination to help. They stay like that, silent, for an eternity until Cat’s ring beeps - signaling the start of her detransformation. She’s still got several toes left on her paw, but she takes it as a sign from Plagg to stop being so sappy and to hurry it up. 

“I’m homeless.” She says, her voice cracking as she tries not to cry. (She can’t remember the last time she’s actually cried, years of being taught compulsory masculinity and years of downplaying her own feelings have made tears a near impossibility.) “In my other life - my father, h-he kicked me out. Disowned me.”

Before that moment, Nino was the only one Adrienne had told. Nino’s parents (unaware of why she’d been abandoned, unaware that she was no longer Adrien) said they’d be able to house her for a few days, they didn’t have the resources to take care of her for much longer. Adrienne had thanked them profusely for their kindness nonetheless, although she wasn’t sure what she would do afterwards.

Cat lets a few silent tears stream down her face. She knows Ladybug won’t judge her, but it doesn’t change how weak and exposed she feels. She wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone, and she wonders if this is the kind of feeling akumas have before they’re turned, she wonders if she would’ve turned had she not kept the bright hope of seeing Ladybug later, she wonders if it would even have been possible for her to turn as a miraculous holder.

“You can stay with me.”

“B-but, my lady… that would mean-”

“I know.”


	7. Chapter 7

**xxiv.**

Marinette knows it isn’t her best idea, to let Cat know her real identity. There are so many possible complications, things that could go wrong. An akuma could use their magic to draw the truth out of one of them, if one of them were ever Akuma-tized (was that possible?) they’d know exactly which civilian to hunt down, it could be a danger to their families.

She’s going to see a whole new side of her feline friend, and that, too, is nerve-wracking. What if they know and hate each other in real life? What if the knowledge destroys their partnership, their friendship? The thought was so much to bear - but right now, she decides, Cat needs her more than Marinette needs to keep her identity a secret.

Cat promises she has a place to stay for the night, so they both agree to meet up the next evening. Ladybug says she’ll use the time to ensure it’s okay with her parents - and she’s positive it will be; Sabine and Tom Dupain-Cheng are kind, thoughtful and accepting. 

Ladybug promises not to share all of the details - just “this is my friend, they are going through a tough time, and needs a place to stay.” (She also takes the extra night as an opportunity to remove all the photos of Adrienne from around her room, change her desktop, and recycle the embarrassing drop-down of Adrienne’s schedule. If Cat’s going to see her home, she doesn’t need to see all the signs of her crush.)

Marinette’s filled with nerves, but she pushes them aside and reminds herself that she’s doing the right thing. She is terrified, but knows it is for the best.

Adrienne is enthralled. She’s finally getting the chance to see who her lady is underneath the mask and outside of the suit. It’s everything she’s ever wanted since her slow descent into love. But it’s bittersweet, she’s heartbroken over the situation that has caused it all. She’s lost her family, and no amount of bandages or stitches can mend the heart that’s been torn into pieces.

**xxv.**

“You can still change your mind if this is too much for you, my lady.” Cat really doesn’t want her to, but she’s prepared for the worst. She may be in need of help, but Ladybug’s comfort is more important to her.

“No. I made you a promise,” Ladybug replies with a fierce determination. “Let’s do this.”

They give each other a small nod, and at the same time close their eyes, whispering “transformation release.”

Marinette doesn’t open her eyes, It’ll feel all too real if she does, and despite saying she was okay with this, she still isn’t prepared for it. She thinks, in vain, that if she just keeps her eyes shut, it’ll all revert back to the way it was. It’s too much, there’s so much that could still go wrong. Her heart feels like it is going to fall out of her chest, and she can feel her legs trembling beneath her from an earthquake of emotions inside her. 

The startled gasp of “Marinette!?” isn’t enough to make her open her eyes - if anything, it makes her more nervous. She shuts her eyes tighter, her breathing hitches - _Cat is someone she knows._

“Marinette, my lady, please look at me.”

It’s a comfort for Cat to know that Ladybug is Marinette; she never expected her companion to be one of her classmates. Yet she wonders how for someone who claims to be so in love, she’d never seen it sooner. Same hair, same eyes, same generosity. Here she’d thought just a short while ago that Marinette hated her, only to learn that Marinette had some other reason for treating her differently (for what reason, she still doesn’t understand - but it’ not hate, because Marinette is kind and good just like Ladybug is, speaking in the best way she knows how: through her wit, gentleness and creativity)

Marinette feels a gentle caress on her shoulder. Slowly, she releases her breath in a soothing sigh, and begins to open her eyes. She’s sure her mind is playing tricks on her - she stares for a moment before they grow wide like saucers. “I-I….I…um… _Adrienne_?”

“That would be me.” She responds with a sheepish grin.

With that, Marinette squeaks.  
And faints.

**xxvi.**

She wakes up on a bench a few minutes later and - _where is she?_ It seems so strangely familiar. It takes her a second to notice her family’s bakery across the street, and another second to realize that she’s in someone’s arms. Adrienne’s arms. Adrienne stares at her with such a lovestruck grin, and Marinette feels she might just melt away into a dream before she remembers that Adrienne is Cat. Silently, she sits up as a blush creeps its way up her. What a way to embarrass herself!

Despite the fact that her long-time crush is her long-time literal partner-against-crime, she can’t bring herself to be quite as confident like she wants to be. Her heart beats quickly, and she doesn’t say a thing. She knows herself, she knows if she says anything in this moment, the words will stumble out of her mouth in the wrong order, and some of them not at all. Instead, she just stares. 

“Are you okay?” Adrienne asks. She’s concerned, this is definitely the last reaction she’d expected in response to her reveal. Why was Marinette still so… clammy? intimidated? She isn’t sure what Marinette was feeling , but she knew it was something uncomfortable. 

“I just… wasn’t expecting this, I g-guess?” She says, trying to keep herself calm. “I never _really_ expected that you’d be someone I know! I thought it might happen, but I don’t know.”

“”Are you okay with it?”

“Yes!” _Oops,_ Marinette thinks. _A little too enthusiastic there._

“I’m glad, _princess._ ”

“You don’t have to do that, you know.”

“Do what?”

“Um,” Marinette says. She’s a little bit unnerved by the way Adrienne/Cat still flirts and uses pet names with ease, she’s always felt it’s so insincere. It makes it worse, in a way, to know that it’s _Adrienne. _To know that it’s been the girl she’s been falling for each and every day, to know that she probably doesn’t actually care about Marinette’s feeling beneath the mask. “Nevermind. I think my parents are waiting to meet you - so we should just go!”__

__The other wants to protest, to question. Unfortunately, before she can, Marinette is already jolting to the crosswalk. Adrienne sighs and follows her. It’s confusing - but at least she’ll have a place to stay._ _

__**xxvii.** _ _

__Adrienne decides to introduce herself to the Dupain-Chengs as herself (Marinette says that she’d used gender-neutral pronouns when talking to her parents, because she felt it was Adrienne’s decision on how to present herself to them). Adrienne thinks that if they’re going to take her in for some undetermined amount of time, they should know the whole story. It’ll lead to less pain in the long run._ _

__They don’t fully understand it, but they don’t understand why someone would kick their own child out of their home. They smile, welcome Adrienne in with open arms, smiles, hugs, a home-made dinner. They apologize that all the can offer is a pull-out couch and no place to store the few belongings Adrienne could bring with. It’s warm and friendly, like a summer day’s ending with a fiery sunset; like blankets and hot cocoa in front of a fireplace; like a _home_. _ _

__The Dupain-Chengs are the very essence of _family_. It’s wonderful, but oh so bittersweet. It’s a shame she’s never felt that warmth since her mother left her life; since then the only sense of family came from whispers of memories of a better time, a time when she was young and nothing truly mattered, a time before plans she had no say in, a time before pretending._ _


End file.
